I’m done making lemonade.
There. I said it. I am officially telling my life to stop handing me lemons. I need some strawberries or cherries or something sweet.
And don’t tell me that God is only giving me what I can handle. Honestly, I am way beyond handling things. I’m this close to having a heart attack. No, literally.
When I found out that my heart has fluid building up around it, it took everything in my power not to break down and cry and just give up. I mean, why should I stick around? I just got another damn lemon handled to me. This time though, I’m not sure what to do with it.
This time, I’m scared.
When it comes to the kids, fighting for their rights and helping them with therapies, I am strong. I accept who they are and love them for it. I will do anything for them.
Now it’s my turn. I have to take care of myself and I don’t know what to do.
I have never once thought about my heart. Ok, when I was younger I thought it was broken a few times. But other than that, never gave it a second thought. Most people don’t sit around and think… “Hmm, I wonder how my spleen is doing today?” Our bodies are just supposed to work. And they do. Until they don’t.
I thought I was just getting sick. I thought I was getting bronchitis. It seems that if someone within a 50 mile radius has it, I get it. My chest was tight. I was short of breath. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I had a dry cough. Everything that pointed to bronchitis. Except it wasn’t.
When I went to the doc 2 weeks ago, my lungs were clear. She did say I had an ear infection and put me on medicine. She said that if in a week if my chest was still tight that I was to get an x-ray. I took my prescription and the form for the x-ray and went on my merry way. She wasn’t my regular doctor and I honestly chalked it up to her not knowing what she was talking about. I knew how my chest felt. There was no way there was nothing wrong.
A week goes by and surprise, I’m not feeling better. I head in to see my regular doc who once again says that my lungs are clear and that maybe I just have something lingering. She gives me steroids and says to go get the chest x-ray that day. Reluctantly I agree.
I head over and get my chest x-ray. This is now Thursday. The tech tells me that the doc will have it later on that day and to wait for them to call. I filled my steroids, starting taking them and really didn’t think about the x-ray. I was feeling much better by Sunday. I figured that I had finally kicked whatever was plaguing me. Monday morning rolls around and I swear that I feel like I’m dying. My head hurts, my chest hurts, I’m coughing, sneezing, I have runny nose. You know the drill. I am miserable all day Monday.
Tuesday morning, my mom asks if I have called the doctor about my x-ray. I had forgotten to call. (I am really good at forgetting things.) Since I am sick anyways I decide to make an appointment and head back in there. I tell the nurse how I am feeling and ask if they got my x-ray report. She says she will check and the doc will be right in.
Doctor C. comes in and asks me what is wrong. I tell her again about my chest and now my head/sinuses are playing evil games with me. She tells me that my x-ray looks bad. That there is a prominence on the left over my heart. That it could be a shadow but since I am having trouble breathing, we need to rule out that it is not a blood clot in my lungs.
For a minute I thought she was speaking French. It almost didn’t make sense to me. I’m a 32 year old woman. I am fat, but I am healthy. Or so I thought. I know that she didn’t mean to scare me, but when I heard blood clot, I immediately thought of an old episode of ER where Kellie Martin was on. Her and the guy who played Carter were stabbed by a crazy guy in the ER. The scene is like forever ingrained in my brain. She put her fingers over her tracheotomy and whispered the letters, PE. Pulmonary embolism. Carter shook his head and no matter what he tried, she died there on the floor. PE is a fancy word for a blood clot in the lung. If a blood clot were to dislodge and head for the heart, that’s it. Kiss your ass goodbye.
That scene is going through my head as she is still talking. She tells me that I need to head up to Tripoint to get a CT scan of my chest.
As I get in the car, I call my mom (who is watching the kids) what is going on and how I have to go to the hospital now. I am not freaking out at this point. I’m ok if it is a clot. They can give me something to dissolve it and I will feel better.
CT scan comes out that there is no clot. But everything is not alright. Doctor C. says it is imperative that I see a cardiologist asap.
I really was ok up until that point. They didn’t know what was wrong. Something was wrong and now I need to see a heart doctor yesterday. That is when I started getting scared. If a doctor is concerned about what they see in tests then there is something seriously wrong going on.
I return the call to the cardiologists office and they want me to come in today. Also not a good sign. I have to wait weeks to see my psychiatrist but can get into the heart doctor today? Something is going on.
I head in there and sit and wait. To my surprise, it is the same cardiologist who treats my 79 year old grandma for her heart condition. He spends a good 3 minutes listening to my heart. Reads the results of the CT scan and x-ray. Looks at me and tells me that I have fluid around my heart. He doesn’t know why it’s there. It is most likely not because of a childhood thing. It could be a leaky valve or it could be something else. He wants to do an echocardiogram. Another fancy word. That one is for an ultrasound of the heart. He says that there is no one in the office tomorrow but that he wants me to have it done asap on Friday morning. He then gives me a prescription for the same meds my grandma is on and tells me that he wants my heart to take a break and relax because it is now enlarged from working too hard because of the fluid.
I’m not sure what else he said. I think the next time I go, I should really have someone with me. It’s hard to remember everything when basically you hear something that doesn’t sound good and the first thing to pop into my mind is, I’m too young to die.
So I sit here. Wednesday night. Well, technically Thursday morning. Writing. Mostly not sleeping because of this annoying cough. But also because I needed to get this out there that I am grateful for everyone who has affected my life. Good and bad. Without you I would not be who I am today. For that, I thank you. Thank you for being my friend. My mom. My sister. My husband. The rest of my family. Love is the only thing keeping me going right now.
