Yeah, so what?
Ok, I am acting a lot tougher than I really am. I am a mess. I show how tough I am on the exterior, but I am a mess. The pain I feel everyday is way more intense than what I have ever felt. The only pain I have ever felt that was worse than this was labor. But in my case, I pushed about 5 times and the baby was out. Plus, I knew that once my baby was out, the pain was done. With this, it seems like there is no end in sight. That is probably what is the toughest thing for me.
My mom and I always joke around what ‘tough broads’ we are. We have gone through a lot in our lives. I had to grow up really fast when I was a teenager and I never looked back.
I don’t feel tough anymore. I feel broken. Broken and I have no idea when I won’t be anymore. It’s not that I feel hopeless. This surgery has allowed me to see my life through different glasses. I am a more positive person. I no longer see the glass half empty. I have hope. I was walking around for 32 years with a big old hole in my heart. Lots of people say that I was a walking miracle. I try to embrace that. Seeing little bear’s face every morning is a reminder of how blessed I am.
But evil, dark depression sets in. It is like the devil sitting on my shoulder. Whispering bad things in my ear. Telling me that it would be easier to give up. Telling me that I am never going to heal. Telling me that this pain is forever.
Logic tells me otherwise. But the pain is just so intense. I feel so helpless. I HATE feeling like this. Logic tells me that I am not going to wake up tomorrow and feel all better. This isn’t just a boo boo from falling off my bike. This was major surgery. But hey, I can dream that I wake up feeling great, right?
That is, if I were sleeping.
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