So I'm laying on the couch trying to catch a quick three and a half hour nap, when I feel someone tapping me gently on my chest. I open my eyes to see Lo sanding in front me, lips pursed for a kiss. I purse mine back and give him a quick kiss and tell him I love him. I immediately fall back asleep.
Just a few minutes later I hear E, saying "Mommy! Wake up! There is a crack in the house!" Now, he has been doing this for a few days now. We have laminate flooring that is starting to come apart, so he is convinced that the house is cracking and is going to fall down around us. Half asleep I mumble something to the effect that we are ok, I know there is a crack, but not to worry. That was good enough for him so he goes back to playing on his DS.
Tap, tap, tap. Lo is tapping on me again. I open my eyes and he wants another kiss. I swear that even though he cannot talk, he is the most affectionate, loving child I have ever met. I kiss him again and fall back asleep.
At least 7 more times he taps me and by the last time, he is getting silly. Putting his neck near my mouth, so I kiss his neck instead.
Let me tell you, that if he woke me up everyday (even from naps) like that wanting a kiss, I would be the happiest mommy on the block. He made me feel like a sleeping princess :)
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
So I had Open Heart Surgery, So What?
Yeah, so what?
Ok, I am acting a lot tougher than I really am. I am a mess. I show how tough I am on the exterior, but I am a mess. The pain I feel everyday is way more intense than what I have ever felt. The only pain I have ever felt that was worse than this was labor. But in my case, I pushed about 5 times and the baby was out. Plus, I knew that once my baby was out, the pain was done. With this, it seems like there is no end in sight. That is probably what is the toughest thing for me.
My mom and I always joke around what ‘tough broads’ we are. We have gone through a lot in our lives. I had to grow up really fast when I was a teenager and I never looked back.
I don’t feel tough anymore. I feel broken. Broken and I have no idea when I won’t be anymore. It’s not that I feel hopeless. This surgery has allowed me to see my life through different glasses. I am a more positive person. I no longer see the glass half empty. I have hope. I was walking around for 32 years with a big old hole in my heart. Lots of people say that I was a walking miracle. I try to embrace that. Seeing little bear’s face every morning is a reminder of how blessed I am.
But evil, dark depression sets in. It is like the devil sitting on my shoulder. Whispering bad things in my ear. Telling me that it would be easier to give up. Telling me that I am never going to heal. Telling me that this pain is forever.
Logic tells me otherwise. But the pain is just so intense. I feel so helpless. I HATE feeling like this. Logic tells me that I am not going to wake up tomorrow and feel all better. This isn’t just a boo boo from falling off my bike. This was major surgery. But hey, I can dream that I wake up feeling great, right?
That is, if I were sleeping.
Ok, I am acting a lot tougher than I really am. I am a mess. I show how tough I am on the exterior, but I am a mess. The pain I feel everyday is way more intense than what I have ever felt. The only pain I have ever felt that was worse than this was labor. But in my case, I pushed about 5 times and the baby was out. Plus, I knew that once my baby was out, the pain was done. With this, it seems like there is no end in sight. That is probably what is the toughest thing for me.
My mom and I always joke around what ‘tough broads’ we are. We have gone through a lot in our lives. I had to grow up really fast when I was a teenager and I never looked back.
I don’t feel tough anymore. I feel broken. Broken and I have no idea when I won’t be anymore. It’s not that I feel hopeless. This surgery has allowed me to see my life through different glasses. I am a more positive person. I no longer see the glass half empty. I have hope. I was walking around for 32 years with a big old hole in my heart. Lots of people say that I was a walking miracle. I try to embrace that. Seeing little bear’s face every morning is a reminder of how blessed I am.
But evil, dark depression sets in. It is like the devil sitting on my shoulder. Whispering bad things in my ear. Telling me that it would be easier to give up. Telling me that I am never going to heal. Telling me that this pain is forever.
Logic tells me otherwise. But the pain is just so intense. I feel so helpless. I HATE feeling like this. Logic tells me that I am not going to wake up tomorrow and feel all better. This isn’t just a boo boo from falling off my bike. This was major surgery. But hey, I can dream that I wake up feeling great, right?
That is, if I were sleeping.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Sitcoms can be serious, right?
I’m done making lemonade.
There. I said it. I am officially telling my life to stop handing me lemons. I need some strawberries or cherries or something sweet.
And don’t tell me that God is only giving me what I can handle. Honestly, I am way beyond handling things. I’m this close to having a heart attack. No, literally.
When I found out that my heart has fluid building up around it, it took everything in my power not to break down and cry and just give up. I mean, why should I stick around? I just got another damn lemon handled to me. This time though, I’m not sure what to do with it.
This time, I’m scared.
When it comes to the kids, fighting for their rights and helping them with therapies, I am strong. I accept who they are and love them for it. I will do anything for them.
Now it’s my turn. I have to take care of myself and I don’t know what to do.
I have never once thought about my heart. Ok, when I was younger I thought it was broken a few times. But other than that, never gave it a second thought. Most people don’t sit around and think… “Hmm, I wonder how my spleen is doing today?” Our bodies are just supposed to work. And they do. Until they don’t.
I thought I was just getting sick. I thought I was getting bronchitis. It seems that if someone within a 50 mile radius has it, I get it. My chest was tight. I was short of breath. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I had a dry cough. Everything that pointed to bronchitis. Except it wasn’t.
When I went to the doc 2 weeks ago, my lungs were clear. She did say I had an ear infection and put me on medicine. She said that if in a week if my chest was still tight that I was to get an x-ray. I took my prescription and the form for the x-ray and went on my merry way. She wasn’t my regular doctor and I honestly chalked it up to her not knowing what she was talking about. I knew how my chest felt. There was no way there was nothing wrong.
A week goes by and surprise, I’m not feeling better. I head in to see my regular doc who once again says that my lungs are clear and that maybe I just have something lingering. She gives me steroids and says to go get the chest x-ray that day. Reluctantly I agree.
I head over and get my chest x-ray. This is now Thursday. The tech tells me that the doc will have it later on that day and to wait for them to call. I filled my steroids, starting taking them and really didn’t think about the x-ray. I was feeling much better by Sunday. I figured that I had finally kicked whatever was plaguing me. Monday morning rolls around and I swear that I feel like I’m dying. My head hurts, my chest hurts, I’m coughing, sneezing, I have runny nose. You know the drill. I am miserable all day Monday.
Tuesday morning, my mom asks if I have called the doctor about my x-ray. I had forgotten to call. (I am really good at forgetting things.) Since I am sick anyways I decide to make an appointment and head back in there. I tell the nurse how I am feeling and ask if they got my x-ray report. She says she will check and the doc will be right in.
Doctor C. comes in and asks me what is wrong. I tell her again about my chest and now my head/sinuses are playing evil games with me. She tells me that my x-ray looks bad. That there is a prominence on the left over my heart. That it could be a shadow but since I am having trouble breathing, we need to rule out that it is not a blood clot in my lungs.
For a minute I thought she was speaking French. It almost didn’t make sense to me. I’m a 32 year old woman. I am fat, but I am healthy. Or so I thought. I know that she didn’t mean to scare me, but when I heard blood clot, I immediately thought of an old episode of ER where Kellie Martin was on. Her and the guy who played Carter were stabbed by a crazy guy in the ER. The scene is like forever ingrained in my brain. She put her fingers over her tracheotomy and whispered the letters, PE. Pulmonary embolism. Carter shook his head and no matter what he tried, she died there on the floor. PE is a fancy word for a blood clot in the lung. If a blood clot were to dislodge and head for the heart, that’s it. Kiss your ass goodbye.
That scene is going through my head as she is still talking. She tells me that I need to head up to Tripoint to get a CT scan of my chest.
As I get in the car, I call my mom (who is watching the kids) what is going on and how I have to go to the hospital now. I am not freaking out at this point. I’m ok if it is a clot. They can give me something to dissolve it and I will feel better.
CT scan comes out that there is no clot. But everything is not alright. Doctor C. says it is imperative that I see a cardiologist asap.
I really was ok up until that point. They didn’t know what was wrong. Something was wrong and now I need to see a heart doctor yesterday. That is when I started getting scared. If a doctor is concerned about what they see in tests then there is something seriously wrong going on.
I return the call to the cardiologists office and they want me to come in today. Also not a good sign. I have to wait weeks to see my psychiatrist but can get into the heart doctor today? Something is going on.
I head in there and sit and wait. To my surprise, it is the same cardiologist who treats my 79 year old grandma for her heart condition. He spends a good 3 minutes listening to my heart. Reads the results of the CT scan and x-ray. Looks at me and tells me that I have fluid around my heart. He doesn’t know why it’s there. It is most likely not because of a childhood thing. It could be a leaky valve or it could be something else. He wants to do an echocardiogram. Another fancy word. That one is for an ultrasound of the heart. He says that there is no one in the office tomorrow but that he wants me to have it done asap on Friday morning. He then gives me a prescription for the same meds my grandma is on and tells me that he wants my heart to take a break and relax because it is now enlarged from working too hard because of the fluid.
I’m not sure what else he said. I think the next time I go, I should really have someone with me. It’s hard to remember everything when basically you hear something that doesn’t sound good and the first thing to pop into my mind is, I’m too young to die.
So I sit here. Wednesday night. Well, technically Thursday morning. Writing. Mostly not sleeping because of this annoying cough. But also because I needed to get this out there that I am grateful for everyone who has affected my life. Good and bad. Without you I would not be who I am today. For that, I thank you. Thank you for being my friend. My mom. My sister. My husband. The rest of my family. Love is the only thing keeping me going right now.
There. I said it. I am officially telling my life to stop handing me lemons. I need some strawberries or cherries or something sweet.
And don’t tell me that God is only giving me what I can handle. Honestly, I am way beyond handling things. I’m this close to having a heart attack. No, literally.
When I found out that my heart has fluid building up around it, it took everything in my power not to break down and cry and just give up. I mean, why should I stick around? I just got another damn lemon handled to me. This time though, I’m not sure what to do with it.
This time, I’m scared.
When it comes to the kids, fighting for their rights and helping them with therapies, I am strong. I accept who they are and love them for it. I will do anything for them.
Now it’s my turn. I have to take care of myself and I don’t know what to do.
I have never once thought about my heart. Ok, when I was younger I thought it was broken a few times. But other than that, never gave it a second thought. Most people don’t sit around and think… “Hmm, I wonder how my spleen is doing today?” Our bodies are just supposed to work. And they do. Until they don’t.
I thought I was just getting sick. I thought I was getting bronchitis. It seems that if someone within a 50 mile radius has it, I get it. My chest was tight. I was short of breath. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I had a dry cough. Everything that pointed to bronchitis. Except it wasn’t.
When I went to the doc 2 weeks ago, my lungs were clear. She did say I had an ear infection and put me on medicine. She said that if in a week if my chest was still tight that I was to get an x-ray. I took my prescription and the form for the x-ray and went on my merry way. She wasn’t my regular doctor and I honestly chalked it up to her not knowing what she was talking about. I knew how my chest felt. There was no way there was nothing wrong.
A week goes by and surprise, I’m not feeling better. I head in to see my regular doc who once again says that my lungs are clear and that maybe I just have something lingering. She gives me steroids and says to go get the chest x-ray that day. Reluctantly I agree.
I head over and get my chest x-ray. This is now Thursday. The tech tells me that the doc will have it later on that day and to wait for them to call. I filled my steroids, starting taking them and really didn’t think about the x-ray. I was feeling much better by Sunday. I figured that I had finally kicked whatever was plaguing me. Monday morning rolls around and I swear that I feel like I’m dying. My head hurts, my chest hurts, I’m coughing, sneezing, I have runny nose. You know the drill. I am miserable all day Monday.
Tuesday morning, my mom asks if I have called the doctor about my x-ray. I had forgotten to call. (I am really good at forgetting things.) Since I am sick anyways I decide to make an appointment and head back in there. I tell the nurse how I am feeling and ask if they got my x-ray report. She says she will check and the doc will be right in.
Doctor C. comes in and asks me what is wrong. I tell her again about my chest and now my head/sinuses are playing evil games with me. She tells me that my x-ray looks bad. That there is a prominence on the left over my heart. That it could be a shadow but since I am having trouble breathing, we need to rule out that it is not a blood clot in my lungs.
For a minute I thought she was speaking French. It almost didn’t make sense to me. I’m a 32 year old woman. I am fat, but I am healthy. Or so I thought. I know that she didn’t mean to scare me, but when I heard blood clot, I immediately thought of an old episode of ER where Kellie Martin was on. Her and the guy who played Carter were stabbed by a crazy guy in the ER. The scene is like forever ingrained in my brain. She put her fingers over her tracheotomy and whispered the letters, PE. Pulmonary embolism. Carter shook his head and no matter what he tried, she died there on the floor. PE is a fancy word for a blood clot in the lung. If a blood clot were to dislodge and head for the heart, that’s it. Kiss your ass goodbye.
That scene is going through my head as she is still talking. She tells me that I need to head up to Tripoint to get a CT scan of my chest.
As I get in the car, I call my mom (who is watching the kids) what is going on and how I have to go to the hospital now. I am not freaking out at this point. I’m ok if it is a clot. They can give me something to dissolve it and I will feel better.
CT scan comes out that there is no clot. But everything is not alright. Doctor C. says it is imperative that I see a cardiologist asap.
I really was ok up until that point. They didn’t know what was wrong. Something was wrong and now I need to see a heart doctor yesterday. That is when I started getting scared. If a doctor is concerned about what they see in tests then there is something seriously wrong going on.
I return the call to the cardiologists office and they want me to come in today. Also not a good sign. I have to wait weeks to see my psychiatrist but can get into the heart doctor today? Something is going on.
I head in there and sit and wait. To my surprise, it is the same cardiologist who treats my 79 year old grandma for her heart condition. He spends a good 3 minutes listening to my heart. Reads the results of the CT scan and x-ray. Looks at me and tells me that I have fluid around my heart. He doesn’t know why it’s there. It is most likely not because of a childhood thing. It could be a leaky valve or it could be something else. He wants to do an echocardiogram. Another fancy word. That one is for an ultrasound of the heart. He says that there is no one in the office tomorrow but that he wants me to have it done asap on Friday morning. He then gives me a prescription for the same meds my grandma is on and tells me that he wants my heart to take a break and relax because it is now enlarged from working too hard because of the fluid.
I’m not sure what else he said. I think the next time I go, I should really have someone with me. It’s hard to remember everything when basically you hear something that doesn’t sound good and the first thing to pop into my mind is, I’m too young to die.
So I sit here. Wednesday night. Well, technically Thursday morning. Writing. Mostly not sleeping because of this annoying cough. But also because I needed to get this out there that I am grateful for everyone who has affected my life. Good and bad. Without you I would not be who I am today. For that, I thank you. Thank you for being my friend. My mom. My sister. My husband. The rest of my family. Love is the only thing keeping me going right now.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
My Amazing Old Navy Opportunity
I am a member of a website called Crowdtap. It is a great place to give your opinion about things and to earn things for yourself and for a charity of your choice. I was recently picked to become a member of the Old Navy Style Council. I was sent 2 coupons for a free pair of jeans. One for myself and one for my friend. Considering my mom is my best friend, I gave her the other coupon.
On a rare girls day together, mom and I headed up to Old Navy. I immediately went to the jeans section. My absolute favorite pair of jeans that I own is from ON. They are the Sweetheart Flare style. Sadly, ON does not make these anymore L I was amazed at how many different kinds that they do offer. I grabbed everyone that I could find in my size and headed to the dressing rooms. Ok I actually browsed the rest of the store and found several more things to try on as well.
I am a big girl. I am not going to say what size I wear exactly, but I am very excited that Old Navy does carry my size!
Now, I am very particular about my jeans. I want my jeans to feel like I am wearing sweats. I want them to be that comfortable. Nobody likes a pair of jeans that is so uncomfortable that the first thing that you do when you get home is get those jeans off!
Let me tell you that I found myself a pair of jeans that are super comfortable! They are called The Flirt. They are boot cut. Love them. They seriously felt like I was wearing sweats, but I with the look of jeans. I went for a super dark pair so that it goes with anything. Super dark is also great to pair up with something dressy to wear out for a night on the town.
My mom got The Dreamer boot cut and loves them as well.
I’d like to give a great big thanks to Crowdtap and to Old Navy. This opportunity was wonderful and I’d love to participate again!
On a rare girls day together, mom and I headed up to Old Navy. I immediately went to the jeans section. My absolute favorite pair of jeans that I own is from ON. They are the Sweetheart Flare style. Sadly, ON does not make these anymore L I was amazed at how many different kinds that they do offer. I grabbed everyone that I could find in my size and headed to the dressing rooms. Ok I actually browsed the rest of the store and found several more things to try on as well.
I am a big girl. I am not going to say what size I wear exactly, but I am very excited that Old Navy does carry my size!
Now, I am very particular about my jeans. I want my jeans to feel like I am wearing sweats. I want them to be that comfortable. Nobody likes a pair of jeans that is so uncomfortable that the first thing that you do when you get home is get those jeans off!
Let me tell you that I found myself a pair of jeans that are super comfortable! They are called The Flirt. They are boot cut. Love them. They seriously felt like I was wearing sweats, but I with the look of jeans. I went for a super dark pair so that it goes with anything. Super dark is also great to pair up with something dressy to wear out for a night on the town.
My mom got The Dreamer boot cut and loves them as well.
I’d like to give a great big thanks to Crowdtap and to Old Navy. This opportunity was wonderful and I’d love to participate again!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Crappy Morning
How did you wake up today? Did you hit the snooze button? Did you jump up raring to go? Did you sleep in?
Me? I woke up at 5:03 am this morning to the sound of E's voice saying to me, "Mommy! Mommy, wake up! Mommy, I need new underwear!"
I went to bed a little after 1 am, so at 5 my brain is just not registering that it is time to wake up and function.
After a few huh and what's, I get up out of bed to find out why he needs new underwear. I'm thinking I need to strip the bed. I'm thinking, I told him to go potty before he went to sleep. I'm starting to get upset when he proudly says, "Mommy, I went pee pee in the potty! But I missed a little and got my underwear wet. And I got the floor wet. And the toilet wet. But it was an accident."
I don't know about you, but missing a little compared to how he missed.... Trust me that if you have boys or a husband- you know about cleaning up a "little" miss.
I grab a towel and start to clean up when I realize that it was not just a "little" pee that missed the potty. There was some #2 as well. I turn to him and ask him if he went #2. I know, dumb question but it was still way too early for me. I have to ask him if he wiped. Another dumb question because I know the answer to this one too.
I clean him and the potty up and head back to bed. Needless to say, it was a pretty crappy start to my morning ;)
Me? I woke up at 5:03 am this morning to the sound of E's voice saying to me, "Mommy! Mommy, wake up! Mommy, I need new underwear!"
I went to bed a little after 1 am, so at 5 my brain is just not registering that it is time to wake up and function.
After a few huh and what's, I get up out of bed to find out why he needs new underwear. I'm thinking I need to strip the bed. I'm thinking, I told him to go potty before he went to sleep. I'm starting to get upset when he proudly says, "Mommy, I went pee pee in the potty! But I missed a little and got my underwear wet. And I got the floor wet. And the toilet wet. But it was an accident."
I don't know about you, but missing a little compared to how he missed.... Trust me that if you have boys or a husband- you know about cleaning up a "little" miss.
I grab a towel and start to clean up when I realize that it was not just a "little" pee that missed the potty. There was some #2 as well. I turn to him and ask him if he went #2. I know, dumb question but it was still way too early for me. I have to ask him if he wiped. Another dumb question because I know the answer to this one too.
I clean him and the potty up and head back to bed. Needless to say, it was a pretty crappy start to my morning ;)
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Where Do I Go From Here?
As a mother of a newly diagnosed child with Autism, I have a ton of questions. How did this happen? Was there anything I could've done? And most importantly, what now? What do I do?
My son who is going to be 3 tomorrow, Lo, was already accepted into preschool under the premise of a developmental delay. He's going to be getting speech therapy because he's got 2 spontaneous words under his belt, Hi and NOooooooooooooo! He also has an array of sensory issues so he is going to be receiving occupational therapy. He is already seeing a feeding specialist because his sensory issues prevent him from eating any solid food. At 3 he still eats baby food.
We were given the official diagnoses last week and I am still overwhelmed with my options. The best option would be to put him in a school that specializes in teaching kids with his challenges. Out of pocket, I am looking at $70,000. Does insurance cover any of it? NO. Why? What is so special about Autism that insurance companies feel the need to either not cover it or cover so little that it puts people in positions where they have to choose how much they can afford to be able to help their child succeed? What other options are out there? Where do I go from here?
I don't get very good answers from anyone. The doctors give me names of people to contact. I leave messages and get nowhere fast. I know I am not alone in this journey, but how do I find out who I can commiserate with?
My son who is going to be 3 tomorrow, Lo, was already accepted into preschool under the premise of a developmental delay. He's going to be getting speech therapy because he's got 2 spontaneous words under his belt, Hi and NOooooooooooooo! He also has an array of sensory issues so he is going to be receiving occupational therapy. He is already seeing a feeding specialist because his sensory issues prevent him from eating any solid food. At 3 he still eats baby food.
We were given the official diagnoses last week and I am still overwhelmed with my options. The best option would be to put him in a school that specializes in teaching kids with his challenges. Out of pocket, I am looking at $70,000. Does insurance cover any of it? NO. Why? What is so special about Autism that insurance companies feel the need to either not cover it or cover so little that it puts people in positions where they have to choose how much they can afford to be able to help their child succeed? What other options are out there? Where do I go from here?
I don't get very good answers from anyone. The doctors give me names of people to contact. I leave messages and get nowhere fast. I know I am not alone in this journey, but how do I find out who I can commiserate with?
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Drug Mart Deals 08/03/11- 08/09/11
I know that we all love to save money. I have 3 kids so money pours out of this house like it's water. So when I see some good deals, I am going to post them.
I did my own Drug Mart matchups this week mostly because DM is a local store to those of us in North East Ohio and because they do have some awesome deals! I am going strictly by the ad and I am not sure what varieties and types are included in the sale other than what is mentioned. When you go to the store there are usually stickers showing what is and what isn't included.
If you got a Sunday paper with coupons, you are good to go.
I am going to be using a few abbreviations:
SS- Smart Source
RP- Red Plum
PG- Proctor and Gamble
You will always get your SS/PG in your Sunday paper. The RP always comes in the mail. Usually Tuesday or Wednesday with some of your sales papers.
Here we go:
Number one best deal of the week hands down: Dawn Dishwashing Soap on sale 88¢.
Coupon in the PG (07/31) is for 50¢ off one! You can stock up on your dish soap for 33¢ !
Sticking with the PG (07/31) deals include:
Downy Fabric Softener Sheets 2/$7 25¢ coupon off1
Swiffer Dusters also 2/$7 75¢ - $1.00 off depending on specific Swiffer product
Bounce Dryer Sheets 2$/4 25¢ off of 1
Gillette Body Wash for Men 2/$6 $2 off of 1
Gillette Deodorant/AP for Ment 2/$6 $3 off of 2
Crest Whitening Rinse $3.99 $2 off of one (coupon shows ml but ad says oz.)
Crest Vivid White Strips 10ct $21.99 $5 off of 1
Fixodent Denture Adhesive 2/$7 50¢ off of 1
Fixodent Denture Cleanser 2/$4 75¢ off of 1
Pampers Diapers Baby Dry Jumbo Pack $8.99 $1 off of 2 bags
Pampers Wipes 64-77ct 2/$5 Coupon for 1 diaper and 1 wipes is for $2 off. That might be the better deal.
Pringles Super Stack (not fat free) 3/$4 $1 off of 4
Clean and Clear Facial Products are on sale for $1 off. There is a coupon in the 07/31 SS for $1.
Seventh Generation Products are all on sale and there is a $1 off in the RP.
They are also offering a $5 DM gift card with $20 in school or office supplies purchased.
I have seen better deals on school supplies elsewhere, otherwise I'd break them down.
Hope these help you guys especially if you are brand loyal to some PG products, like I am :)
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